We used to have Friday night fights. After storing up all our grievances for the week, we'd have dinner, begin talking and wind up screaming at each other. Our conversations weren't meant to deteriorate like that. We were trying to be honest with each other.

"I'll give him some constructive feedback." "I'll help her understand me better." "Open lines of communication are at the heart of a good marriage," we had read. We looked to our immediate families for role models.

My parents married at 25 and had five children by 31, without a single set of twins! At age 37 my mother contracted Multiple Schlerosis, an incurable illness which gradually stole her vitality and steadily increased her dependency on Dad and us kids. We learned about compassion and love through adversity from them.

My husband's parents divorced when he was two. He and his brother were raised by their grandmother while his mother worked long hours to support them. His mother later remarried a kind, loving man who adopted the boys, but the marriage faltered, only surviving for the sake of the children. We learned about sacrifice and commitment to children from them.

Taking what lessons we could from family and friends, we knew we wanted to create something lasting, but we also knew that we would have to figure out how to do it in our own way.

Our weekend arguments cleared the air, but otherwise didn't seem to help much. He felt like I was trying to change him and I thought if he loved me, he would want to change to make me happier.

"I'm growing weary of this conversation," he'd say, before lapsing into stony silence. Unable to pry another word out of him, I'd stomp off to another room.

Thankfully, we usually recovered from nasty Fridays by Saturday morning, which saved the weekend for adventures together or with family and friends. Privately we thought about the previous night's grievances, swallowed our pride, and tried to change just a little. We hated those fights. And loving each other was much more fun - even more so when we decided to have babies.

To us, children are irresistible. Sharing in their lives has been the most absorbing, gratifying activity we've ever undertaken. But as much as we love to be with our kids, we somehow knew we needed to find time alone together. So once a year we take a short vacation, just the two of us. No matter how complicated, expensive or inconvenient it is, we always manage to get away for 5 to 7 days, usually in the winter to someplace warmer, to play.

These, then, are our secrets after 28 years of marriage:

• Fight it out (words only, no fists).
• Refuse to quit.
• Give in a little (you don't have to admit it).
• Have kids only if you want and love kids.
• Get away, just the two of you, once a year.
• Smooth over the rough spots with endless amounts of fun together or with family and friends.
• What keeps your marriage healthy?