Sex and the Single Parent

A physician wrote to me recently and expressed the following opinion:

***

"The things I see weekly regarding kids and their parents are disheartening and sickening. My quick opinion: If you have kids, do not work. If you have a profession or a career, never have kids. It is not possible to 'have it all.' Someone or something always gets slighted, and it usually is the kids.

"I have a patient who is the mother of 10 kids; all three of their fathers are in jail or AWOL. This woman and her kids will likely never get out of the hole they are in. I also witness all levels of neglect of children, so much so that I feel that elaboration is not necessary.

"The roots of the problem are arrogance and fear. Many feel that they must procreate to 'preserve' or replicate themselves before they pass on. For many, having children is their route to immortality. They aren't having the kids for the kid's sake, but for their own sakes. Having kids and then letting someone else raise them is a selfish act."

***

Although I flinch when I hear such simplistic thinking, there is some truth to what this doctor says. Too many couples become pregnant in the heat of passion without thinking through the consequences.

For me, raising children is the single most important thing I have ever done. I can't imagine a more challenging, yet rewarding undertaking. Nor can I think of anything as important to humanity. I have always wanted to lead a life with purpose and meaning. For me, having children and raising them has given my life that purpose and meaning.

In addition, however, my roles as educator, school psychologist and writer have given my life meaning and purpose, too. These endeavors have offered many of the same challenges that mothering has. By working with children and families in the schools, I've been able to learn countless lessons that made me a better mother. Had I deprived myself of those experiences by staying home full-time with my children, I don't think I would have been as capable or as confident as a mother. I also had the unflagging support and parental participation of my husband, the father of my children.

My conclusion is: when you decide to become a parent, IF you decide to become a parent, make that decision with your mate. A man is just as much the parent of a baby as a woman is, but what we see around us often doesn't reflect this fact. We need to bring men into the equation as 100% parents from the moment of conception, rather than accepting the idiotic notion that the woman is the primary parent just because the baby develops in her womb. How, as a society, have we created this absurd idea that the man has less responsibility as a parent, just because he doesn't give birth?

I firmly believe that fewer marriages will end and fewer families will fall apart when we take on the responsibilities of raising our children with full participation of the men and women who conceive them.

There are, of course, thousands of single parents, both moms and dads, who adore their children and do an awesome job raising them. I take nothing away from them when I speak about ideas and ideals. In the midst of the juggling act, keeping three dozen "balls" in the air at once, I have often thought "I wish I had a wife!" Instead, I cultivated relationships with friends, family, neighbors and paid caretakers to pitch in. Many of these people became important role models for my children.

The physician and I are in complete agreement on one point. Don't have children unless you are prepared to give them unconditional love for at least 18 years or for as long as they are dependent on you (and then some). My children will receive my unconditional, lifelong love, no matter what. I'm quite sure their father would echo that sentiment.

Every child deserves such care, protection and security, no matter what sacrifices his or her mother and father have to make to provide it. A good start toward this end would be some serious discussion between couples BEFORE sex rather than afterward.

***

Please send questions or comments to bbruno@snet.net.
Previous columns are available.