Harassment hurts. Several parents and students have written to me about its crushing psychological effects.

" Our 13-year-old daughter came home terribly upset today because someone had written her phone number and lewd graffiti about her on the boys' bathroom walls. Even though we reported it to the principal and the graffiti was instantly removed, she has cried herself to sleep every night since. "

" A classmate continuously harasses my sister in school. He pulls her hair, curses at her and recently threatened to cut her throat. Now she's afraid to go to school because the principal can't stop it. My sister is a straight "A" student. It's just not fair. "

" Recently our daughter, a hard-working and compassionate person, became the object of undeserved, malicious slander. She can't understand the cause, except possibly jealousy. Consequently her grades and enthusiasm for life have taken a dive. We're going through the usual channels - principal, school counselor and teachers - but so far it hasn't stopped. We feel so helpless! "

Students encounter hostile situations every day; it's part of life. Moods clash, tempers flare and verbal or physical hostility follows, often with little thought about the consequences. Usually such outbursts are short-lived, but the hurt feelings or fear caused by an insult or threat often persist and can undermine a child's developing sense of self-confidence and self-esteem.

We can't eliminate conflict from society. But we can equip young people with strategies to cope with it; and we can create school environments which foster conflict resolution without resorting to fear tactics or force. Children need adult help to confront conflict, not necessarily to step in and take over, but to guide them and, in some cases, advocate for them to the point of legal action, if necessary.

Whenever possible, students embroiled in the conflict should take an active role in resolving it, in order to overcome feelings of powerlessness or victimization. School peer mediation programs are especially well designed for this purpose. If the school your children attend is not teaching conflict resolution skills to its staff and students, urge the principal to begin such a program. No student should have to face harassment alone and unprepared.

A booklet by Ann Stephens entitled: "Conflict Resolution: Learning to Get Along," published in 1995 by AASA (American Association of School Administrators) describes several practical, whole-school approaches being used in schools across the country. For information about this and related publications and videos, call: (703) 875-0748.

DOJ (Department of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention) also publishes a guide to school-based programs called, "Conflict Resolution Programs in Schools: A Guide to Program Selection." For information call: (202) 307-5929.